As most of you know, I am taking care of two people (my parents) with severe dementia. Living in the same house together makes it a full time – very hard – job. There are times I’m so tired and frustrated that I lock the bedroom door and scream into my pillow. Most of the time Dad doesn’t recognize me as his daughter. He will ask – “What got you in this business?” I’ve answered that question over and over. I take a deep breath, smile and respond one more time, “Dad, I’m not in a business. I wouldn’t do this for anyone else. It’s too hard. There’s not enough money in the world for me to do this as a job. I do this because I love you.”
Our actions and choices prove our words. When you say, “I love you” or “I’m concerned” or “You are important to me”…those words must be supported by actions in order to be true.
Jamie is a photographer/videographer. Many years ago when he was doing weddings, the week-ends were busy times. With a wedding on Saturday he might get home at 1 or 2 am. Because he never wanted to run the risk of losing a precious memory, he spent hours backing up the footage he shot. He made two copies so he could leave a copy at my house just in case something happened to his. He usually didn’t lay down until 4 or 5 am. Jamie skipped church on Sunday morning. It was too hard to push with only two hours of sleep. He found other ways to meet his spiritual needs.
Ken was hired by a small church in our area. He asked Jamie if he could help by playing the bass guitar on Sunday morning. Jamie could have said “no”. There were plenty of reasons he could have used. “Dude, I love you and I wish I could help. But man, you can’t ask me to work for you when I haven’t had sleep. Sorry brother. I have to think of my own job first.”
That’s what he could have said and no one would have blamed him. But he didn’t. Instead, he said, “Wow Ken. It would be so cool to work with you. I would love that.” And for several years, no matter how he felt – even when he hadn’t slept at all – Jamie faithfully grabbed his guitar, drove for 20 minutes, attended pre-service practice and then played for two services.
Jamie used his “time” and his actions to tell his brother Ken how much he loved and supported him. When have you used your time or actions to “show” someone how much you care?
We live in a society that promotes any excuse to get your own way. Our friends may stroke our ego by saying, “I’m with you. You need to take care of yourself. They can’t expect you to do that.” We feel validated if we can find an excuse to say, “I had no choice”.
Once in a while Hollywood gets it right. In the movie, The Devil Wears Prada, Anne Hathaway played Andy, the assistant to Miranda Priestly, a magazine mogul. Meryl Streep played Miranda and made the character even more devilish by always talking in hushed tones. Her tone was effectively used to validate her evil actions.
Andy hated the self serving choices people made in the business. Miranda set up a situation where Andy would have to crush the dream of her co-worker Emily. Emily had worked hard for the coveted position of attending a show in Paris with Miranda. In order to keep her job, Andy was required to tell Emily that she was going instead. In the following exchange, Andy and Miranda are riding to an event in Paris and discussing the fact that Miranda had just sold out her most faithful employee in order to secure her own success. Andy was appalled by Miranda’s choice.
Miranda Priestly:……I never thought I would say this, Andrea, but I really, I see a great deal of myself in you. You can see beyond what people want, and what they need and you can choose for yourself.
Andy Sachs: I don’t think I’m like that. I couldn’t do what you did to Nigel, Miranda. I couldn’t do something like that.
Miranda Priestly: You already did…… To Emily.
Andy Sachs: That’s not what I… no, that was different. I didn’t have a choice.
Miranda Priestly: No…. no, you chose. You chose to get ahead. You want this life. Those choices are necessary.
When you make a choice – that choice will “always” have an effect on others. It’s easy to see how the choices of others affect our life. But I am amazed at how hard it is for some people to see those same hurtful choices within themselves.
The phrase, “I had no choice” is always a lie. We all have the ability to choose. Even a prisoner who is forced to do what his captor demands – that prisoner has choices. The real problem is that we don’t like our range of choices. We want to choose selfishly and still have the respect of others – even if we hurt them.
Respect is only given when we see another person do “the right thing” even when it hurts their own life. Relationships are often lost or changed by our choices. Even when we recognize our choice has hurt someone and we ask for forgiveness, the memory of pain will linger in that relationship. The other person will look at us differently or may even be cautious about our commitment.
Respect overwhelms any relationship when we see others choosing the high road even when it robs their personal desires. Creating respect in your relationships is the most important thing you can do.
Are you proving to your family, friends and co-workers that you really do care? When you say “I love you”, do you back those words with actions? What choices are you willing to make to prove to others that they are important in your life?
[newsletters_subscribe list=”1″]
You’re in a hard spot, Debbie. I pray God will give you more than enough grace for your tasks.
Thank you Joe. I really appreciate your prayers.