Most young people believe that love is something you feel.
Love is NOT something I feel. Love is something “I am”.
If I love you (relative, friend, brother or sister in Christ) my love for you becomes a part of who I am and it controls my actions as well as my feelings. If I love you, that love is as rock solid as stone.
I pity people who base their love on feelings. Feelings are temporary and fleeting. Love based on feelings can’t be trusted. When the winds of feelings change – so does your love. Love isn’t real when it’s based on feelings. Trying to navigate the “feeling” of love is like trying to ice skate on a lake of Jell-o. You slip, slide and eventually sink to the bottom of a murky slime. Feelings can’t be trusted. Period. Yes…of course….love must “have” feeling. Love would be a boring concept if it were based solely on doing the right thing. But the feeling of love is like icing on a cake. It makes the cake better. A cake made totally of icing would be too sweet and eventually would make you sick.
What does Real Love look like?
1. Real love can be trusted to do the right thing. If you truly love another person, your first thought is for their well-being. You will do the “right” thing for them. Your first thought will be to protect, promote and encourage your love.
So… If your secretary flirts with you, you run. Yes, you may be tempted, but you run because the thought of hurting your real love overwhelms the fleeting desire of temptation. Most people give into flirtations because they entertain the idea rather than rush to protect real love. Real love will always “choose” to walk away. It’s not a feeling thing – it’s a choice to do the right thing.
If your child has been totally stupid, before you open your mouth to scold – you think about their feelings. How will this hurt them later? How will my words impact their future? You guard your words not because of your own feelings (anger) but because your love for your child causes you to do the right thing.
Real love for God will include learning “all” his commandments and studying the word so you can “do the right thing”. Being in love with Jesus is not about a party feeling, but rather about knowing his character and following “all” his commandments.
2. Real love is dependable. Feelings are never dependable. The first time you’re exhausted you won’t be there for the person you love. When your love needs you -no matter how tired, how frustrated, how lonely, how hurt or how mentally depleted – Real love decides, “No matter how I feel, the person I love can depend on me to be there when I’m needed”. Even if I have to go in another room and quietly have a fit….I will emerge ready to be dependable for the person I love.
3. Real love is unselfish. Real love will give even when it doesn’t have the resources to give. You push yourself to the limit for someone you love. Like the O’Henry story, The Gift of the Magi, Real love gives everything it can to the person it loves.
4. Taking care of your own needs and setting boundaries is a good thing. But real love will cause you to put your love’s needs ahead of your own as much as you can. When Christopher Reeve had his accident, his lovely wife Dana was determined to put her needs aside and concentrate on his care.
5. Real love is respectful. Real love does not demean or degrade the person it loves. Real love respects not only the object of their love, but also their possessions, their job and who they are. If you say “I love you” but you do not respect the object of your love – your love is not real and someday you will hurt them.
I am being tested. My love for my parents is being tested. The picture on the left was taken five years ago.
My mother is now 85 and my father is 81. The picture on the right was taken just a month ago. Normal activities are hard for them. Dad forgets normal daily routines and mother can’t remember names of friends or family. Yet, they love to take your hand and pray for you. They love hugs and they crave attention.
Until October they lived in Georgia. Last August a neighbor was robbed. Mom and Dad knew they were having problems with their memory. Dad called and asked me to come get them. I spent most of September preparing. I moved them to my home in October. We’ve spent three months finding new doctors. I’ve changed addresses, phones, Medicare and Medicaid. We’ve prepared for the holidays and pushed through all the difficulties of changing environments.
Three weeks ago Dad was diagnosed with severe dementia. Mother isn’t far behind. My life has drastically changed. My daughter and grandchild were already living here hoping to save money while her husband is serving in Japan. Now I am full time caregiver for my parents.
I’m not complaining….just overloaded. My point….there’s a lot of love going on and a great potential for problems unless…..the love is real. The only way we will survive this is if we depend on the aspects of real love rather than the “feeling” of love.
Ron and I choose to do this. We discussed the financial obligations, their savings and their needs. We prayed for strength and the wisdom to make the right choice. We know that it will be hard. Yet….Ron quietly listened while I shared stories of various revivals where hundreds of people gave their heart to Jesus because my parents chose to be servants of God. Ron had tears in his eyes when I explained how Dad spoke to thousands at the beginning of David Yonggi Cho’s church in Seoul, South Korea. His church is now the biggest in the world with over one million members. We talked about the many revivals and how both of them led people to Christ with their ministry and their music.
When real love looks at their devotion to God, how could we not serve them now that they need help? Will there be times of meltdown for me? Absolutely. Will Ron need to escape and get away for a while? Yes.. Will I do this without mistakes or problems? No. Can I trust God to give me strength and to help me honor them as well as deepening my love for them and the rest of the family? Yes….a thousand times yes.
I miss writing. I miss my time with friends. I miss the stimulation of professional conversations. I miss creating and accomplishing goals.
My New Years goal is to write a little each day and let you know how I’m doing. Some days I may be able to share advice. Some days I may ask for prayer and some days I may need to vent. If you have any advice – please share. If you can use the comment form perhaps more people will be helped by your advice. I’ll need some cheerleaders to keep me going. Most of all, on this journey of love, I hope that you will be my compassionate friend and help me honor my wonderful parents.
God Bless you and Happy New Year!
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