Dad looked dapper in his red jacket. Dad was not only my hero – he was my mentor. The most important thing dad taught me was that I could do anything. Dad certainly could. He was talented in a lot of areas and it was wonderful to watch him lead others in his many endeavors. I can still hear his instructions, “Debbie, you can do anything if you just take the time to read a book on the subject, practice, get good advice and do plenty of research.
Dad practiced what he preached. He flew airplanes, built church buildings, was a pastor, founded four churches, hosted radio shows, played 7 different instruments, learned another language, earned a psychology degree, became an editor, an author, drove a truck, worked on cars, built wells in Peru, sold real estate, became a broker, sold investments, learned to scuba dive, water ski, ice skate, repaired anything that broke, was a sign painter, became an expert at gold leaf (was asked to repair the dome on the Georgia State Capital building), wrote songs, led choirs, sold bonds, repaired airplanes at Lockheed airport, was a missionary pilot, a world missionary, an evangelist, and a wonderful dad. I’m sure there are some things I’ve left out. After all….he lived what he preached. “You can do anything if you do your research and try.”
Yet….in our current state of dealing with dementia – I feel inadequate. I’ve read books and listened to helpful advice. I shared with others that are going through the same thing. Yet, I can’t pin it down. I can’t find the one thing that will solve the issues they face. I can’t make dementia go away. I can’t stop the fears that plague their tortured mind. I can’t logically explain the world to them. I can’t stay one step ahead of their needs because their mind is all over the place. I hurt for them and I feel inadequate.
I share my pain with other caregivers but it’s hard to know what advice to try. The problem is that all dementia caregivers are involved with varying degrees of dementia. 24 hours can change the patient drastically and cause any advice to fall flat. Dementia has no boundaries and nothing stays the same. What is good today is bad tomorrow. What works at noon won’t work at 4:00 the same day. I keep searching for that one thing that will solve today’s problem. At night I fall into bed exhausted and feeling inadequate and sure that nothing I tried worked.
Of course, tomorrow Dad or Mom will wake and for a few lucid moments they will tell me I’m wonderful and that they are so grateful for my help. I will smile and appreciate the temporary pat on the back. Just after breakfast mom will find nine things that she feels should be done right now. Dad will politely ask for two more. Mom will create some emergency and my nerves will fail and send me into the living room to pray for God’s power. God will answer with a dose of patience. I’ll take a deep breath and make another attempt to create a calm environment.
When Dad was younger we had wonderful talks. I was thinking about those talks the other day and realized that he never encouraged me to be successful. He asked me to do my research. He told me anything was possible. He insisted that only the lazy have bad lives. But he never, never told me to be successful. Trying, working hard, accepting the challenge…..those were the goals. I wonder if he knew?
Maybe he knew the time would come when I would face an overwhelming task like dementia. Maybe he knew that someday I would have to choose between success and doing what’s right. Maybe he understood that sometimes success is not as important as just being involved. Sometimes doing what’s right is a daily choice that consists of moments of success rather than the overall goal of success. Maybe there are times (like now) when I should be grateful that I survived the day and not worry about achieving great success. When measurable success is not an attainable goal, maybe I should appreciate the fleeting moments of love, lucid talks and mili-second feelings of peace.
Still….if I could find that one thing….I would give it a try.
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