It’s been almost a year since my parents came to live with me. I’ve accomplished a lot and I believe my parents are as happy as anyone can be while suffering from severe dementia. I wish I could say that I was proud of everything I’ve done this year. I’m not. I’ve had my share of temper tantrums and full blown meltdowns. I’ve managed to keep all but a few private. I stomp up to my room and scream into a pillow or rush out to the car to beat the steering wheel and yell until my throat is sore. After all, it’s not their fault. They should not be frightened by a temper tantrum caused by their disease. They can’t/don’t understand how they hurt me and it’s impossible for them to be logical about what I’m asking them to do. Yet, I still feel guilty. When the guilt and frustration reach a boiling point – I have a meltdown of emotions and a need to physically release the pressure.
The real shocker is that I have always been an even tempered person. Even when I cared for eight toddlers in my home daycare, I dealt with their needs without so much as a negative thought. I have a long fuse and it takes a lot to get me to the point of expressing my anger. So why now?
I agree with all the “logical” reasons for my outburst. I’m overworked. I’m exhausted. I’ve given up most of my life to take care of my parents. Instead of coming and going as I please, every decision I make is weighed against their needs and care. I’m on call 24/7. And the worst of all – they repeat every thought at least 50 times or more before letting go. Mean comments stab at my heart. Even when I investigate and find out they don’t understand the hurtful words they’ve just said, the pain for me remains. I clean up after two adults who don’t understand hygiene or why it’s not good to leave dirty toothpicks piled on the table or argue with me about washing their hands. Sigh…..it’s just so hard.
Yet, I do want to do this job. I know it is God’s will for my life. I want to honor two people who gave their lives for others. Two ministers who were not concerned about their pay but instead gave 100% to the people they served. They considered the ministry a calling and felt that God was their ultimate employer. I never heard them complain about being on call 24/7. Instead they considered it a great privilege to be there for every birth, death, party and counseling needs of those they served. They became part of the lives of their congregants. They deserve kindness at this time of their life.
I want to serve them with the same honor they gave their congregation. That’s my heart….yet the adult temper tantrums continue to surface? Why?
I believe God may be using this task to reveal the buried faults in my life. I am a Christian who believes it is right to avoid the pitfalls of this world and to live a less complicated life. While some of the things I avoid may not seem like sin to others….I avoid them because of the consequences they may cause. I also want to live as close to the Savior as possible. Some things that may not have the consequences of hell will still have consequences here on earth. I don’t need those distractions. So…I don’t smoke, drink alcohol, cuss or even watch questionable television or movies. I don’t lie, cheat, steal or support groups that are against my faith or Christian Values. Ron and I have been married for 40 years and I’ve never been tempted or thought about another man. I don’t yell or argue with others. My one goal in life is to understand our purpose here and to be logical about how to achieve the goals that will ultimately secure our place in Heaven.
But…I am not perfect. I deal with internal struggles every day.
Some people look at me and chastise me for my concern over attitudes and motives. “You are living a good Christian life. Just let it go. After all, you are only human.” I hate that phrase – “only human”. It limits our progress and hides our faults. Of course there are things in all of our lives that seem impossible. And yet, can you imagine what would happen to this world if people began to call on God for help to do the impossible? How would that simple act change us?
Every day I face the challenge of eliminating the sins of my attitude and anger. How is a Christian supposed to respond to illogical behaviors and frustrating situations? If I deal with some of my frustrations, will it help me be calmer when dealing with illogical friends and co-workers? Will I become a stronger voice and a more patient person to others who don’t have a faith? I need what I’m learning now but will I need it even more so when my parents are gone and I face a more violent world? If I don’t work on the hidden issues in my heart, will God withhold the blessings he wanted to give me?
I don’t know any adult who hasn’t had a meltdown or temper tantrum at one point in their life. When those times come, considering the following may help you use the experience to become a better person. Try using the following tips to help you stay on track.
1. Once you have released your emotions (hopefully privately)….forgive yourself. It’s over. It’s done. Forgive yourself.
2. Make mental notes as to why it happened and determine what you can do to avoid it in the future.
3. Most temper tantrums are caused by some kind of stress. Eliminate as much as you can. My mother tends to get a little mouthy around meals. I try to tune her out and pray softly under my breath. I noticed my praying became more angry and much louder when I was rushing to meet her needs and my kitchen wasn’t functional. I had an old fridge that was too small and forced me to my knees to search for foods pushed to the back of shelves. The freezer was on top and nothing I needed was at eye level. When Ron was home for our anniversary, he suggested that we eliminate at least one part of the mealtime frustration. He bought me a larger double door fridge where everything is eye level and easy to find. It has cut the mealtime frustrations in half.
4. Give yourself purpose by contemplating how your life will change if you can conquer your frustrations.
5. Cover every action in prayer.
While private temper tantrums may be necessary to release some of the pressure I feel, I believe God is big enough and powerful enough to help me to overcome the hidden sins of anger and selfishness. I believe that he can do anything. I am praying everyday for God to make me a better person and to help me become more like him.
Matthew 17:20 The disciples asked Jesus why they couldn’t drive out demons like he did. He replied…..
“Because of the littleness of your faith; for truly I say to you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you.”