A Tsunami Wave of Grief: Nine ways to heal
A Tsunami Wave of Grief
Nine ways to heal
by
Debbie Jansen
I thought our Tsunami Wave of Grief had subsided. I felt a sense of relief that maybe - just maybe - we had survived the death of over 55 wonderful friends and family members within a mere six years. We feel blessed to know that the people we lost are celebrating in Heaven. We feel fortunate that all but 7 were older when they passed. We have many memories that cause us to smile. Yet, the weight on our chest grows when we realize they won’t call, they can’t come over, and we can’t meet for the holidays.
When you have suffered as much grief as we have, you understand the waves that come in unexpected moments. Your face flushes, your head spins with memories, as your heartaches return. We plowed through our Waves of Grief and thought we were on the mend. Then, another soldier would go home to be with Jesus, and it was as if the entire crowd surrounded us, causing another massive Wave of Grief. Yes, we’ve made our peace with grief. But, we also dread its presence.
Two months ago, a friend passed away while my husband, Ron, and I were in the hospital fighting Covid. After returning home, a relative and a dear friend were in trouble. We couldn’t believe how dire the situation was. We prayed and prayed and prayed. Both of them passed, and the grief of these beloved people hit us hard.
We were thankful that we were on oxygen because the news seemed to take our breath away. Over and over, we questioned the reality. “No. It just can’t be true. No.” We cried our way through that month. We often prayed for the families, and we held tight to our faith in God even when we didn’t understand.
It was a beautiful Sunday. The weather had improved, and we enjoyed the sunbeams as they streamed through our picture window.
Ron answered a phone call from his beloved Aunt. “Good morning Irma. How are you today?” There was a pause. Tears formed in Ron’s eyes.
“Oh No,” he whispered.
I rushed to his side as tears dripped down his face. He mouthed the name to me. Once again, I put my head in my hands. Once again, I cried. Once again, memories of better times rode the Waves of Grief as my heart shattered. Another wonderful relative had passed away. We thanked God for Dale’s life and the assurance that he was in Heaven. We rejoiced that he was at a great reunion with his family and friends.
I felt angry and hated the grief and separation as I returned to my chair. I wondered how many people struggle with death and question God.
We have learned that you can’t enjoy the prize of Heaven unless you go through the emotions of loss. I’ve counseled too many people who postpone grief. They put on a happy face. They stay busy and insist death does not affect their life. Spouses, parents, relatives want you to think that the pain of death has not bothered them. “Rejoice!” they yell. “This is a celebration.”
I agree with the celebration of Heaven. But sometimes, touting it doesn’t feel right. The grief is too deep. The pain is too consuming. The sorrow stabs our heart and won’t allow us to move forward. Silent and feeling alone, I run to the bathroom to cry.
My tears never negate the promise of Heaven. Heaven is real, and I plan to be there. But I also don’t want to ignore the sorrow and pain of death.
Some Christians feel it is more spiritual to ignore the pain of grief. I am positive it is more of a miracle to protect your faith by allowing God to share in your pain. It is NOT anti-Christian to feel pain!
The sad truth is that when people refuse to admit that they are heartbroken, the suppressed pain grows to an unbearable emotional strain. I’ve watched many people forever change because of unresolved grief. It is far better to admit that you are hurting and allow your friends and family to comfort you. Pretending you are ok when you are not can make you dysfunctional and sick.
God gave us emotions for a reason. We are human, and we are fragile. It is the fragility of our emotions that make us passionate creatures. Feeling the pain and suffering of others keeps us relatable to their needs. Emotions need to be understood and resolved so we can be healthy, loving people.
If you are the comforting friend, please realize that acknowledging and understanding their pain is far more helpful than a cliche about Heaven. Some sorrow is so painful that the spouse or relative can’t see Heaven until they deal with the pain. When that happens, be kind enough to allow your friend to grieve. There will always be time for rejoicing once the sorrowful person accepts the new normal.
Grief and Heaven may often be shared at the same time. I may have tears running down my face when I talk about my friend Ginger. I may feel the awful pain of loss and want to share that with my daughter. Yet, I may also be grateful to acknowledge that Ginger is in Heaven with Jesus. I simply hope my daughter follows my lead and validates each emotion.
Let me share our situation with you, and then I’ll give you nine tips that will help you be a good friend when grief invades your life.
It began in late 2015. Ron and I received two phone calls just 25 days apart. Two of our dear friends passed away within 25 days of each other. They were older, but it was unexpected. We felt all the sorrow and pain of grief.
Our 2015 Christmas was hard. The grief was raw as we dealt with the reality that so many of our loved ones and friends were now older and ready to see their Savior. We cried thinking about Ron’s Dad, who passed away years ago on Christmas day. In March of 2016, Ron’s precious mother passed from cancer. In June, my wonderful Dad passed away. From July to December, another six people died.
So many people headed to Heaven that I made a list to deal with our grief. Over the following five years, that list grew to over 50 people. I almost hated to answer my phone. “What if this is another death?”
I remember the day I held that worn card, spattered with tears, and again went over the names. They were our mentors, our friends, our loved ones. To think of a world without them was almost unbearable. I cried, prayed, and often listened to Dad’s preaching on my drive to see mom at the nursing home. I knew where they were. All but two were devout Christians residing in Heaven. They had left my world full of holes that were void of their advice, their love, their laughter. Ron and I consoled our grief by admitting that over half of them had experienced a long life. Maybe we were just at the age where we had to step it up and take their place as mentors to others. Yet, the ache continued.
Mom didn’t have full dementia, but she did have trouble remembering names. She always asked me how I was doing. I’d smile and say, “I’m ok, mom, but I’d feel a lot better if we could pray.” She took my hand, and her prayer walked me to the throne of Grace. What a joy to have mom physically with me.
It had been several months since a death. Ron and I had time to catch our breath. We looked forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas. Once again, my world crashed. At 11:15 pm Sunday, the nurse called. “I just wanted to let you know that your mom fell in her room. She has a gash on her head, but I gave her something, and she is resting.” I didn’t hear much after that. I interrupted, “I’m coming out!”
I checked on mom, and held her hand while I prayed. She was asleep. I went back early the following day. She was sitting in her wheelchair. We talked, and I told her how much I loved her. She wanted to get back in bed. She screamed and yelled when she tried to stand. I got the nurse and the doctor, and after all the flurry of exams, we discovered a badly broken hip.
For five days, Amie and I made sure she was not alone. On the last day, we both sang her into Heaven. It was a joy to be with her as she passed, and we rejoiced that she had made it home to be with her wonderful Savior, my Dad, and all her family and friends.
After all the rejoicing, once again, I was devastated. Once again, the pain was overwhelming. Once again, I cried until my eyes were swollen. Once again, I asked God, “why?” Once again, I was angry at death and the enormous void in my life.
I stared at my list of names and refused to put mom’s name on it. I tore it into as many pieces as I could. I screamed at God. When angry tears subsided, I held my Bible close and told God I was sorry. I knew he understood. We had been through so much.
We have experienced even more deaths - including four in the last two months. Some days, the grace of God covers me with heavenly peace, and I am so grateful for his presence. To be honest, however, there are still days filled with pain and deep sorrow.
My seven-year lesson in Grief has taught me a lot about life and how to survive the void left by those we love. I hope the following will help you wherever you are in the grief process.
Below are my comments on the five stages of grief. Those are followed by my nine suggestions for family and friends.
Elizabeth Kugler-Ross and David Kessler labeled the five stages of Grief in their book, On Grief and Grieving. Ross later added the sixth stage of Grief in his book Finding Meaning.
Kessler states, “The five stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live without the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. Not everyone goes through all of them or in a prescribed order. At times, people in grief will often report more stages. Just remember your grief is as unique as you are.”
1. Denial is an essential step in surviving your loss. Ron and I stared at each other with every death, unable to believe that our loved one was gone. Often Ron would say, “I keep expecting them to call or walk in the door.”
As reality sets in and our denial faces the facts, our world can feel meaningless and overwhelming. Life doesn’t make sense without them. We can feel numb and as if time is standing still. With each moment and each conversation, denial and shock may keep us in a state of nothingness. Denial gives us time to breathe, collect our thoughts, and find a way to replace denial with proper paths for healing.
Friends and family - never try to stop the denial. Instead, use comforting words that validate the grief without pushing to eliminate the denial. Phrases like “I’m so sorry” or “It’s so hard to believe” should keep the griever moving forward. Your proper response will “slowly” move the individual toward healing.
2. Anger can be a necessary stage of the healing process. Some people pass over this stage without issues. Others need to deal with their anger. I see this most in Christians who are told to smile at death because their loved one is in Heaven. While we all agree the person may be better in Heaven, pushing those comments can do more harm than good if the griever is not ready for them.
Before you offer Heaven as a reason to rejoice, always deal with the pain and anger of grief first. After all, the Son of God didn’t arrive at Lazarus’ grave with a smile on His face. Jesus wept. He didn’t just shed a tear - He wept. ( John 11:35) Jesus knew exactly where Lazarus was. He knew all about Heaven and could probably even see Lazarus having a great time. Jesus knew he was about to bring Lazarus back to life, yet He wept. Permanent separation from our loved ones - even for a moment - is painful.
Allow the emotion of anger. See it as an anchor giving temporary structure to the nothingness of loss. And when your Christian friend asks, “Where is God in this?” Be honest enough to say, “I don’t understand, but I’m sure He had a reason.” After all, anger often represents the intensity of their love. Don’t diminish that for a grieving person. Help them accept anger so they can move on in the healing process.
3. Bargaining may not sound logical, but many people go through it. Christians and non-Christians alike try to make bargains with God. “Please, God, I will never be angry at my boy again if you will just let him live.”
Bargaining with God or with others is a way for us to find a solution to the inevitability of death. We can get lost in a maze of “if only.” Maybe I should have gone to the doctor sooner. Perhaps I should have purchased that miracle pill. If only I had prayed harder or done something different, they would be here. Maybe I should have called that televangelist for prayer.
Remember that sometimes prayer is a process where we align with God’s will.
I believe you should pray as if everything depends on your prayers, but accept God’s will as if nothing depends on your prayers.
When we are willing to do anything not to feel the pain of loss, we can seem stuck in the past trying to negotiate a better outcome. We hurt, and moving in the present feels unbearable. The only solution seems to be to change the past.
Unless we dig deep into guilt, asking questions and bargaining with God is a normal part of the process. Try to validate the questions without lingering long enough for the griever to feel guilty. Death is a normal part of living. We can’t change that fact for any of us.
4. Depression sets in when we finally realize that death has come and there will be no changes. We feel empty and lost. We are sure we will never heal, so why try anymore. We move in a mist of loneliness, pain, sorrow, fear, sadness, and inability to do everyday activities. Enjoying others or laughing with friends may feel like you have betrayed your loved one. If they can’t enjoy this life, why should you be able to?
Family and Friends - this is where your work is most important. Don’t try to bring them out of “normal” depression. Instead, hold them without speaking. Let a touch of your hand or seeing tears in your eyes give them the assurance that you understand. Allow them to be verbal and keep your answers short. Most of the time, just being there or remembering them with cards, texts, or phone calls will be enough to help them move on to acceptance.
5. Acceptance should NOT be confused with the notion of feeling good or ok with the loss. Most people who have lost a very close friend or loved one will never feel good about it. Acceptance is admitting that the new reality has become the new normal. We must learn to live with it. I’ve found this is the slowest stage for me to move through. I’ve had to get used to my daily routine all over again. I have to force myself to get out of bed, stop crying, remember joyful times, go outside, hug others and permit myself to smile again. Be very patient with people who are struggling with this stage. Insistence that they need to move on can quickly send them back into depression. Instead, continue to give them a soft answer and a physical touch.
6. Kessler’s sixth stage of grief is to find meaning. Meaning can transform grief into a more peaceful and hopeful experience. I’ve used this stage the most. I didn’t know he had written a book on this stage until after using it for my parents and Ron’s parents.
Finding meaning has set me free many times because it allows me to bring “honor” to the person I miss. My son Jamie made beautiful video memorials of our parents and posted them on YouTube. When I’m sad, I look at their life in pictures and remember the wonderful things we did together.
I’ve written articles about them. I share stories with my grandchildren. I choose to get involved in projects they loved. In other words, I bring their life back into the present and enjoy their involvement with me. I recognize they aren’t here, yet it feels like they are. That image creates a joy that helps me see them with a big thumbs up for my efforts.
The best example of this process is the Tunnel to Towers Foundation. It began when Stephen Siller lost his life-saving others in 2001 when the Twin towers were attacked. His brother Frank, started the Tunnel to Towers Foundation to honor him. The foundation gives mortgage-free homes to the families of fallen servicemen, policemen, firemen, and others. I’ve heard Frank Siller talk about his younger brother with great joy. Grief has become a badge of honor that continues to connect them.
Ron and my experience with Waves of Grief
cause us to live by the following nine rules.
We hope they help you as well.
1. Grief demands validation to heal. Validation is non-negotiable. All humans need confirmation of their loss. It is painful to suffer alone. For most of us, it’s impossible to harbor grief alone and remain healthy. Humans need to express their feelings to move beyond the pain.
Friends and Family - Never stop the grieving person from expressing their pain. To do so can make them feel their pain has no consequence. To say nothing or stare away is the same as non-validation. Look them in the eye and allow them to share their grief with you.
2. Don’t skip the grieving process.
While we all want to encourage others when they are hurting, sometimes our push to move on can create even more pain and sorrow. Grieving is a natural process that is different for everyone. Some can begin to feel relief within weeks. Others may take as much as a year to put the pain in a safe place. Allow the griever to set their own pace for healing.
Friends and family may offer the hope of Heaven but should be very careful to be understanding about the grieving process. Give the grieving person time to go through each stage. The one constant for everyone is that you can’t avoid the process. You must go through it, or it will haunt you and hurt you in ways you can’t explain.
It’s dysfunctional within moments or days after death to shake it off and say, “I’m done. I’m not going to think about it anymore. I’m not like other people. I don’t need this.” If that’s you, it’s a lie. Everyone must go through the grieving process. To ignore the pain of grief involving a person you care about, is not just a personal preference. It will actually hurt you physically.
I counseled with a mother once that refused to admit any problem she had. Her response to questions about her life was, “I’m perfect! Couldn’t be better.” She internalized everything. To people outside the family, everything was great. Yet, she constantly fussed at her husband and children. Her anger quickly came to the forefront when anyone disagreed with her. She refused to admit that she had any problems other than people who didn’t get in line with her ideas. Refusing to acknowledge that everyone has difficulties created a subconscious lie that bubbled to the surface when she was challenged. Her family was miserable. They knew the truth.
I did everything I could to get her to talk about the death and other difficulties that plagued her. I begged her husband to insist that she talk about it. She continued to refuse, so her husband let it drop. He decided to put up with her anger and outbursts. He prayed for her yet cherished every moment he could leave home for work.
Unfortunately, our bodies are not designed to take that kind of abuse. Our nervous system and other organs can break down under the pressure of unresolved grief, stress, or disappointment. I was sad to hear that this otherwise healthy mom had a stroke and passed away just 16 months after her grief began.
Don’t believe the lie that some people don’t need to grieve. Intervene.
3. Don’t allow well-meaning friends and family to make you feel guilty for your sorrow. Grief is a personal issue. A cousin who didn’t know your spouse will not feel the same pain you feel. Smile if their words hurt, but don’t feel like you have to respond or join in with their type of comfort. Accept that you have a right to grieve, cry, and acknowledge the sorrow you feel. It’s useless to try to convince them that you have that right. Just move on.
If a close family member is trying to get you to deal with grief too quickly, provide them a copy of this article! No one has the right to give you a timeline for grief.
There is an exception. If it’s been 20 years since the “normal” death of a loved one and you still can’t get out of bed on special days, you might want to consider a counselor to help you learn to live with your grief.
4. Don’t worry about the wave of grieving. Once you have dealt with the sorrow and feel like you are moving on, “Waves” of grief will still invade your heart. I may go weeks or months without thinking about a person I’ve lost. Then all of a sudden, often without provocation, a wave of grief engulfs me. Sitting alone at my desk, I feel the flush of my face, the prickles on my arms, and the tightening of my stomach.
The reality of death never changes. The waves may wait longer to come, but they still come. I stare at my Dad’s hat and wish I could hear his voice once more. I play mom singing her song, and I long for another hug. I laugh at a saying of Helen’s, or I wish for one more text with Glenda. I ache for a phone call from Ginger.
I give in to the Wave of Grief. I let a tear fall. I remember a memory. I smile at the thought of their face. Then I move on. I don’t know when, but I can be assured another wave will hit. Another wave will interrupt my day. Another wave will bring back the joy of loving that person. I cling to, and gain strength from the verse in Hebrews 12:1. “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.”
For me, that verse yells, “Debbie. We are still here. We are watching to see how you run the race. Do it right. Run the best race you can. We are waiting for you.”
That verse gives me a purpose and the power to make those who are gone proud.
Please don’t encourage people to get over the death of a loved one. Keeping their eyes on the desires of that loved one may help the griever accomplish a better life.
5. Holding an item for sentimental reasons is a good thing to do. It is dysfunctional to get rid of every memory of your loved one in an attempt to eliminate pain. We are physical beings, and touching an item that our loved one appreciated or saved can bring lasting comfort.
Even if you don’t want an item, be sure to check with family and friends and offer it to them first. You may help many people heal with possessions that can release emotional feelings.
Our home is almost a memorial to those who have gone before us. I am amazed at how many times my grandchildren proudly ask why I smile every time I use a kitchen item. They ask grandpa where he got a specific tool. We look at photo albums and talk about people who influenced our family. Heritage can make a difference in a child’s life. They need those stories and images to help them with self-esteem. Everyone wants to believe they come from an honorable family. Be careful about eliminating your stash of items that will bring you and your family comfort.
6. There is no correct way to grieve. Just remember that grieving is a verb. You are forcing yourself to face the reality that your loved one is gone. Once you decide to face that reality - you must physically do something. Crying or looking at pictures or whatever you choose to do - will force your mind and body to let go. It will force you to deal with the pain rather than allowing it to fester.
Some people cry. Some people look at pictures. Some people love to tell funny stories. Some people hold on to sentimental items. Some people need to listen to music while crying. Some people talk, talk, talk about their loved ones. Some people want hugs by the hundreds. Some people need to express frustration with God. Some people want to talk about Heaven, while some need to talk about what they’ve lost. And then, there are those few who want to write it all down so their children and grandchildren will know the deceased through them.
Remember to take the time to experience good situations. Others should not push you through the grieving process. You do need to push yourself. Your subconscious needs to experience good situations to prepare you to move forward. Force yourself to be with others, enjoy good experiences, and laugh.
7. Parents, watch your children. Children don’t know how to respond to death. Guide them. Allow them to feel the pain and to work through it.
I was so sad to hear of a family who chose to keep their elementary-age children away from the funeral and death of a dear grandparent. Many years later, the child (adult) revealed a deep fear of grief in a casual conversation. That adult also had a long list of counselors and drugs that couldn’t provide relief.
Everyone connected with the loss of a loved one must take the journey through grief, or it will haunt them later.
Children respond well to repetition, heritage, and laughter. Take them to the funeral. Allow them to feel the comfort of family and friends. The repetition of hearing that others are dealing with grief will keep them from viewing grief as a scary, unmanageable pain.
As I said before, children find comfort in viewing a loved one as a part of their heritage. Share the personality traits of your lost loved one, especially if they align with your child. Discuss the loved one’s ability to be challenged and successful. When a child feels proud or has a common trait with a lost one, it’s easier for them to go through the grieving process.
Laughter is also an excellent tool for children. To this day, my granddaughters love to talk about Grandma’s cookies, her funny laugh, and the way she sewed for them.
8. God can send an answer to the “Why.” It’s normal to be angry even with God when you lose a loved one. But realize that God may have your best interest in mind. You don’t know what your loved one may have had to face in the future. There may be things that would have hurt your loved one more than leaving is hurting you.
My mom was a verbal, social butterfly in her nursing home. She would get in her wheelchair and move around the home, asking people if she could pray for them. She hated being confined to her room. She had been a minister since the age of 8, and I think she viewed the home as her ministry. Even if she didn’t feel well, she tried to go around the home at least once to pray for those she knew.
In October 2019, she fell and broke her hip. 5 days later, she passed away. I was angry and asked God, “why.” I went through all the phases of grief but still couldn’t get rid of the feeling that God had made a mistake. UNTIL…February 2020 when Covid hit.
My daughter Amie called and told me the home had experienced 17 deaths due to Covid. I found out that all of mom’s friends had passed with Covid.
I cried and apologized to God. My mom would have been devastated that I couldn’t visit. She would have escaped her room to pray for people, exposing herself to Covid. I wouldn’t have been able to hold her hand or sing her into Heaven. Thank you, God, for taking her when you did so I could be with her.
9. Finally, allow your loved ones to pass on their hard work and good life to you. It’s a way of living out their legacy. I’m passing on the good that my parents did. I’m allowing their memory and legacy of work to help others. Knowing that Dad’s writings and mother’s song still reaches hearts makes me smile. As an only child, I know their legacy would be lost without me.
I know minister friends who had a significant following and wrote many popular songs. Their lives and their work have disappeared into the darkness. Their children chose not to share any of their work with the public. How sad that their legacy of faith died with them. A dear author friend passed away when she was young. Her writings were removed from the internet. Her legacy of hope and inspiration is gone.
Please handle your grief by never losing the influence of those who have gone before. Tell those grandchildren about your friend. Post something extraordinary about them. Tell a funny story about your parents. Celebrate your loved ones. Highlight their thoughts or their life. Don’t whine about your sorrow - instead, build up their legacy with joy. By doing that, the void in your heart will seem less daunting, and the results will be a better world.
And now, may the God of Heaven bless you as He holds your loved ones in His hands. May He keep you, and may your love for God bring you to that great reunion and celebration in Glory.
Debbie Jansen
Debbie’s Published books
Minutes of Faith - Podcast Devotions Season #1
Scriptures Against Abuse
Praying for America and the Army of God
You can purchase these books at the following stores.
For information on discount pricing for churches or libraries, please use the contact page on Debbie’s website.