Look for me and I will be there – God

To say that this has been a difficult week is an understatement. But then, every week is a difficult week caring for two severe dementia patients. I took Dad to the doctor this week for his regular appointment. The doctor was super nice and tried to get Dad to talk. Dad responded in a way that’s his new normal – he nodded, looked afraid and pointed to me to answer all questions.

Dad’s vitals were good but the fact that he had lost 11 pounds in a few months, didn’t want to talk, shuffled when he walked and was out of breath suggested that Dad is getting weaker. The doctor said I was doing a good job and that the best thing to do now was to keep life simple. He didn’t offer any new suggestions or medications. He didn’t schedule a new appointment. He patted Dad on the back and left the impression that we are just in a waiting game.

Later that day I received the news that cancer has returned to someone that means the world to me. She will deal with another round of medication and those that love her will begin to wonder again…..how long do we have?

I was exhausted. I had kept my grand-daughter all day. I cooked three meals, did two loads of laundry, paid bills, wrote a proposal and did some research. My grand-daughter stayed until 8pm so Amie could attend a school meeting. Yes….I was exhausted.

My quiet moment on the couch was interrupted by mother’s scream. I ran to their room. Dad was in the middle of another hallucination. He didn’t know me and he refused to believe that mother was his wife. He wanted to call the police and an attorney to get her out of his house. He was swinging his frail arms around and making threats. I pulled mother aside and told her to leave him alone. “Don’t make any comments. Turn the lights out and go to bed.”
“But he can’t sit in the chair all night.” Mother has her own mental issues trying to remember my explanations of Dad’s progression of this horrible disease.
“It’s okay mom. He needs to doze off and when he wakes up I promise he will be different and he will get in bed. Trust me.”
I waited outside their door peeking through the crack. Dad dozed off and then finally jerked his head up and crawled into bed.

I tiptoed to my room, made my bed and laid my head on my pillow. Tears rolled from the corners of my eyes and dripped down the back of my neck. I stared at the ceiling. “I’m trying to honor you God. I’m trying to honor my parents. But this is so hard. Where are you? Can you just show up and let me know you are here. I feel so alone.” I dozed off and jumped at the sound of my morning alarm. My grand-daughter was receiving an award at school.

I rushed downstairs and prepared my parents breakfast. I ran back to my room, got dressed and sped to the school. I got there just in time. Through tears of both joy and stress I hugged my precious little one. I waved as she went back to her room.

Touched by the innocence of her life I sat in the car and cried. I called a friend for comfort but instead heard… “I’m telling you Debbie, you need to commit them both to a nursing home. You can’t do this anymore.” I hung up and cried even harder. With Ron in Iowa taking care of his mother, my support is limited to my children and they have their own lives. I hate always bugging them or whining about my own issues. Most of my friends and family don’t understand or maybe they just don’t know how to be supportive.

I cried again. “God are you there?” I drove toward the expressway but instead of going home I decided to visit an Amish restaurant that Ron and I like to frequent. It was 20 miles away but it felt good to make my way out of town and away from my source of stress.

Dutch Valley Restaurant in Sugarcreek Ohio is not only a beautiful place, but it has a great breakfast buffet. I settled in and pulled out my note pad hoping to work on an article that didn’t discuss dementia. The music was Christian, quiet and soothing.  The coffee was delicious and the breakfast smells sweet.  I could feel my weary body relax.

Miriam was a lovely waitress and made sure I had everything I needed. I wasn’t my bubbly self and decided to share my situation with her. I thanked her for her wonderful service and explained that I had escaped my daily routine to eat at their restaurant. She put her coffee pot down and told me about her mother. We chatted for just a few minutes but she made me feel so much better. When she walked away even though the tears were filling my eyes again…..I felt lighter. I felt better. I felt encouraged.

Miriam returned with a slip of paper. “My manager gave this to me a month or so ago. He said to give it to someone that impressed me. I’ve carried it for a long time. I want you to have it.” She placed it in my hand and smiled. I thanked her. “Give it to the cashier and you will be all set.” I thanked her again not sure what it was. She walked away.

Through blurry eyes I saw that it was a coupon for a free buffet. I instantly heard God say to me, “See Debbie. I am here. Don’t be afraid. I will NEVER leave you. Look for me and I will always be standing beside you. Be encouraged.  I am here.”

I pray today that you will look for all the small ways God chooses to let you know that he is there. Of course there will be obvious – even large interventions by God. Those come every once in a while.  Be careful though not to miss the small, sweet daily ways that God chooses to let you know he is still there – walking beside you. Don’t miss the ways he uses others to encourage you on this journey through life.